You’ve met a crazily attractive guy online, and the two of you have started messaging each other regularly. Messages have slowly led to flirtation and turned into phone calls.
After realizing you’ve got a lot in common, you decide to get together and go on that first date with your crush. Once the date is over, there are usually three paths for the relationship to continue:
- He suddenly becomes emotionally distant
- He continues to text you every day and tells you all about their day, but the spark is somehow gone
- Things start getting better every day from there, and you can’t wait to see each other again
The first two options probably sound familiar, as they’ve happened to anyone who has ever tried online dating. The third one is the big win, and as such, it’s natural for it to happen with only a few people.
But what to do if you aren’t sure what’s going on and where all this may lead?
Your person may sound fantastic one day, then give you doubts the next day. He may be telling you you’re the one for him, but you may notice his profile on the dating site is still very much active. He may be talking about your future dates, but they don’t seem to happen as often as he talks about them. You may notice your conversations keep revolving over him complaining about his problems which makes you wonder if he actually cares about your life.
Before you lose tons of energy trying to rekindle that spark you felt initially, there are several questions you need to ask yourself to determine if this relationship is worth the effort.
The Four Questions You Need to Ask Yourself
If you’re unsure of your new crush’s intentions, you don’t need to figure him out – you need to figure yourself out. The way you feel and what you expect should be your priorities.
Here are four fundamental truths you need to find out to determine if this is the relationship you want and need:
1. What do you like about this person?
Think about the things you like about them. Is it their looks? Their hot bike? Their sense of adventure? Their personality? The way they make you feel?
Put the positives about them on paper and think about how unique they are to this person. For example, if their fierce sense of adventure and super powerful bike are on the top of your list, but the way they make you feel doesn’t even reach the list, it may be time to let that man go. There are so many hot bikers with a free spirit, but some of them are ready to commit and make you feel like you’re the only girl in the world. If this one isn’t doing exactly that, he may not be right for you.
2. Is the relationship fun and easy? Are you happy?
The way you feel most of the time should be your guide. No matter how he used to make you feel in the beginning when the flirtations were on fire, the way you feel with him right now is what counts. Is he treating you like an emotional booty call, only reaching out for you to give him support and listen to his troubles? Are the conversations still fun? Are the adventures real, or are they only in plans for the future? What are you getting from this relationship daily? Is there affection, compromise? How about support?
If the answer to these is primarily negative, it may feel like a slap in the face, but knowing how someone makes you feel will tell you how to treat the relationship.
Relationships should be fun, filled with laughter and support. Your boyfriend should care about making your days better, being there for you when you need them. You should feel loved and adored, especially during those initial several months. If you find yourself helplessly trying to bring back the spark you felt when you first started talking, chances are you won’t ever see it.
3. Is your guy making an effort?
Phone calls aren’t dates, and this includes facetime. We may live in challenging times, but if a person doesn’t want to make an effort to see you face to face, they probably don’t want to be in a real relationship with you.
A boyfriend who cares about you wants to see you all the time. He doesn’t make vague plans for the distant future, and he asks you out immediately:
“What are your plans for tomorrow?”
“Wanna go on a small road trip this weekend?”
“How about barbecue these days?”
Actual invitations for real face-to-face time are a must. If there aren’t any, it’s probably time to call it off and start browsing through that dating app again.
4. What do you lose if you call it off?
Ask yourself what you will lose, and I mean FOR REAL if you stopped talking to this person. Is it their daily calls? Their messages? Your visions for the future?
Would losing this guy involve losing something real like passionate kisses, support, friendship, warmth, and a sense of togetherness? Would you lose a partner?
While it’s normal for you to resent losing your fantasy about a once-promising relationship, realizing the imagination hasn’t translated into real life is crucial. You may lose a dream, but at the same time, you will free your mind, heart, and time for something real.
Stay if it’s real
After a long, honest talk with yourself about the things mentioned in this article, you may realize you don’t really like the guy as much as you enjoy your idea of him. Holding onto an idea that has no solid backup from his actions can result in losing time and energy over someone who simply isn’t that much into you. More importantly, you may be giving your best to someone who doesn’t deserve you.
You deserve someone who invests into the relationship as much as you do – and if you’ve got one of those men, hold on to him tightly!